The Night of the Problem with James West
by BarkingatJim
Summary: At the end of TNOT Absentee Agent, Artie hinted that there was another story about what happened between his arrival back in Washington and his arrival in New Orleans, on the Wanderer. This is that story. It's about James West even though he is not in it a lot.
1. The Other Story

**The Night of the Problem with James West**

Chapter 1

 **The Other Story**

The boys were enjoying an after dinner smoke, on a sofa, hidden away from the rest of the attendees, at a White House reception, being held in honour of a British dignitary and his entourage. That reminded James West of something.

"That reminds me of something," Jim said, taking a puff on his cigar.

"What's that?" Artie asked absent-mindedly, enjoying the fact that they weren't on duty at this particular function, so were free to relax.

"When you came back from England, you said they gave you a desk job but you never said what it was. Isn't it time you told me?"

"Oh, you wouldn't find it at all interesting," Artie said, suddenly very interested in his boots.

"Then why did you say 'that's another story'? That implies there was a story to be told, so come on, spit it out!"

"Honestly, Jim, I don't want to bore you with the dull things I did back then."

"Then you shouldn't have mentioned it."

"I'm beginning to wish I hadn't." Artie puffed harder on his cigar, a clear sign to his partner that he was agitated.

"Did it involve me, is that why you won't talk about it?

"Aw Jim, you do this every time. It's like you have a crystal ball or something."

"So it did involve me," Jim said, pleased at having his guess confirmed, but then suddenly worried. "They weren't questioning my loyalty, were they?"

"No, no, it wasn't that..." The sentence trailed off and now Artie had stopped smoking and was looking at his cigar, as if trying to make up his mind about something.

"You'd better tell me," Jim said, "otherwise I'm just going to imagine it to be worse than it was. Also, I'm not going to let up on you until you do."

"Alright, but you're not going to like it."

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

Artie had only been back in Washington a week or so when he was invited to lunch by Colonel Richmond. He was not too pleased by this honour, even though it would mean a free meal at one of the best restaurants, because he had already arranged to eat with one of the local beauties. However, he smiled and accepted and so found himself sitting at a table with his superior, taking in the sight of a familiar place, after his recent sojourn across the Atlantic.

The two men had settled back in their seats to digest the delicious meal they had just eaten, coffee cups in front of them and cigars in their hands.

"Thank you, Colonel," Artie said, "that was delicious."

"Yes, I must remember to send our compliments to the chef."

"Tell me, Sir, why did you bring me here?"

"I want your opinion on a matter," Richmond said. Artie sensed reluctance on his part to elaborate.

"Couldn't we have discussed this in your office?"

"Due to the nature of the problem, I thought a relaxed atmosphere would be the best setting."

"Problem? Now I'm intrigued and a little worried." Artie laughed.

Richmond took a sip of coffee. "It involves James West," he said.

There was silence for a moment and then Artie said anxiously, "What's wrong, is he in trouble? He's not dead is he? Good God, tell me?" There was panic in his voice.

"No, no, nothing like that," Richmond assured him. "West is fine. As far as I know he's safe and sound on the Wanderer."

"Thank God for that. Then how does this problem involve him?"

"I've read in between the lines of your reports, Artemus, and it seems to me that females play quite a large part in a lot of your assignments. That's all very well but, knowing West's reputation with the ladies, I'm worried that he's allowing himself to be diverted and it's leading him, and also you, into trouble."

"Sir, I think you're being unfair," Artie said. "Nine times out of ten the success of a mission, involving a woman relies on Jim's rapport with her."

"It's alright, Artemus, I expect you to defend him, and you may be correct. However, if there's even a chance that his dalliances are jeopardising his work then I need to do something about it."

"What are you going to do? He doesn't even have to lift a finger to attract females. They're like bees round a honey-pot where he's concerned."

"I am aware of that. After all, I've known him a long time. I was hoping you could somehow take on any females, when necessary and prevent any unnecessary association."

"How am I supposed to do that? Jim's in charge of our assignments. I don't have the authority to tell him what to do."

"In that case, I may have to put you in charge."

"I'm surprised that you'd think I want that. Anyway, you can't do that to Jim."

"I can. I'll have a word with West."

"No, look, why don't you let me investigate and wait until I've given you my report? Then you can speak to Jim, if it's warranted."

"All right, as I said, I'm willing to believe I'm wrong."

Artie stood up. "If you'll excuse me, Sir, I'd like to get to work on it right away."

Richmond nodded in acknowledgement and Artie turned and left the restaurant.

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

Going back through his old reports, Artie realised he didn't have all of the information about the assignments he had shared with his friend James West. He really needed his notes as well. As a matter of delicacy, not everything went into the official reports. Sometimes, as in the case of the time travelling Colonel Vautrain, it had been best to sidestep the truth altogether.

Luckily, the Wanderer was in Washington, undergoing maintenance, so it was easy for Artie to gain access to the cabinet, in his sleeping quarters, which contained all of his notes. It was wonderful to be back on their beloved train again. He just hoped that things would be the same between him and James when he finally returned there, after his time in Washington.

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo


	2. The Female of the Species

**The Night of the Problem with James West**

Chapter 2

 **The Female of the Species**

Artie alternately smiled and winced as he went through his notes on his old assignments and remembered the scrapes and triumphs he and James West had experienced back then. He had enjoyed most of the characters he had played, the ones he had chosen for himself. He had been pleased with his performances even with the characters he had been forced into, such as Tigo, the hunchback and Leto, henchman to The Brain, but he hadn't enjoyed them so much.

Eventually, Artie had enough to put together a report and got a draft ready for Richmond. He put it on the Colonel's desk the next morning and went off for lunch with a tantalising female, named Freda, whom he had met at a party and whom he had been going to meet for lunch the previous day, before Colonel Richmond had intervened.

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

Well pleased with his tete-a-tete with Freda, Artie returned to the Treasury headquarters to find Colonel Richmond waiting for him.

"Two and a half hours?" he questioned, after consulting his pocket watch.

Artie acknowledged this observation with a shrug of his shoulders and a smile, leaving Richmond to easily guess what had kept him away from his duties for so long. He didn't pursue the matter.

"I would like to go through your report with you," Richmond said.

"Certainly, Colonel," Artie replied. He followed his superior to his office, and seated himself in a chair, opposite Richmond's desk.

"You appear to have done a fairly comprehensive job in attempting to defend your partner," Richmond began, indicating the report Artie had compiled. "However, if you were trying to prove that James West's womanising has not had a negative effect on the safety of both of you, then I feel that have not really proved your point."

"Why's that, Sir?" Artie asked, fearing that this was not going to be so easy a job as he'd thought.

"Take the first time you came up against Doctor Loveless, for instance. You say that this woman, Greta, helped Jim to escape but I'm pretty sure that Jim had previously allowed this same woman to lure him into taking a walk, during which he was attacked and almost killed."

"Well, yes I suppose you could say..."

"I do. Then there was the theft of the Franconium, stupid name, if you ask me. Anyway, it seems West got caught up with this Cluny Ormont, even let her know about his plot to fake his own death. She turned out to be the thief and actually murdered the poor girl who supposedly shot Jim."

"That's true..."

"Damn right it is. Add to that his second innings with Loveless. You say that this Marie saved Jim's life by persuading Loveless that he was his own double. But isn't it true that he allowed himself to be taken in by her and it was she who delivered him to the Doctor in the first place?"

"Well, if you put it like that..."

"How else would you put it? I have to include Carma Vasquez in this list. Jim followed her straight to her house, where she set a trap for him that included snakes. I still don't know how he got out of that one."

"He quite simply..."

"Ah, I've left one out. That woman, what was her name, who tried to kill Jim with that bed contraption? She somehow disappeared and wasn't even brought to justice."

"Now look here..."

"It's no good, Artemus," Richmond said, passing the report back to him. "You'll have to do better than that."

Artie nodded in defeat and left the room. It looked like he would have to cancel his date for that evening and concentrate on producing a more persuasive document for Colonel Richmond. Damn!

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

Artie woke up the next morning feeling apprehensive as he anticipated handing over his latest report to Colonel Richmond. He'd come up with a bunch of women with whom Jim had positively not had a dalliance of any kind, as far as he knew. This time he was going to go through the report and not just leave it with the Colonel, so he wouldn't have time to pick it apart.

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

"So you see, Colonel," Artie was saying, some time later. "James doesn't womanise on all of our assignments."

"You make a good case, but let's go through these women one by one. First, take Jennifer McCoy. If James had listened to her he might have realised earlier on just what was going on at the prison and not ended up in the electric chair."

"That's a matter of opinion."

"And it's my opinion that counts. Second, we have Princess Wanakee. Why in blazes did James have to go and promise Loveless that neither of you would try to escape and then stick by his word?"

"It was a matter of chivalry," Artie explained.

"With Loveless you can't afford chivalry," Richmond said. "It'll get you killed every time. Third on the list, there's this Lucrece Posy, a really dangerous woman. Why didn't James try and sweeten her up a bit? That's one of the only times it would have been of some use."

"Hurrmphh!" Artie said.

"And don't think I've overlooked the fact that you helped her onto the stage, just because she put on a pretty dress and made eyes at you," Richmond said.

Artie winced as he remembered the five mile ride he had undertaken to catch up with her and bring her back.

"And while we're talking about you, I'd like to mention Lorelei, the Peoria Poisoner and lady friend of Senator Fenlow. I believe both you and West fell for her dubious charms."

"Well, as a matter of fact..."

"And you allowed yourself to be taken in by Sally Yarnell, Mike Trayne's woman. I believe you kindly escorted her all the way to Fort Savage only to be bushwhacked by her friends."

"It was like this..."

"Of course neither of you formed an alliance with Emma Valentine, that's how come you found yourselves tied to a huge glass dome at the Lambert wedding."

"You don't understand. She was..."

"What it boils down to is that James West is vulnerable to a pretty face and it gets him and you into trouble. When it comes to a woman he doesn't feel like bestowing his charms upon, he ends up getting into trouble because they feel spurned. I'm still not convinced Artemus and I'm only going to give you one more chance. So you'd better come up with something to convince me."

Artie left Colonel Richmond's office a second time, like a whipped dog, one with its tail between its legs, and yet another date to cancel. He hoped Jim would appreciate the sacrifices he was making, for his sake; that is if he ever found out about all this.

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo


	3. The James West Enigma

**The Night of the Problem with James West**

Chapter 3

 **The James West Enigma**

Artie wracked his brains but, after several hours, decided that he had used up all his arguments about James and women, the reports couldn't be denied. Instead he would take on the role of barrister on West's behalf and try and explain his behaviour. He was fond of playing parts in plays that involved trials. He had heard of a new Gilbert and Sullivan opera called 'Trial by Jury'. From what he'd heard, the role of the defendant would suit his talents very well. But here he was, stuck in Washington, defending his partner, while said partner was having all the fun of working in the field, arresting baddies. Oh well, he'd better get some sleep before he had to go and see Colonel Richmond again.

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

The Colonel was looking over some papers when Artie knocked on his door.

"Come in, Artemus, but I warn you, I don't have long. I have to be at a meeting with the President in ten minutes."

"This won't take long, Sir."

"Alright, what have you got to say?" he asked, giving the younger man his full attention.

"Sir, I believe you have been looking at this issue as if you were dealing with an ordinary man but James West is an extraordinary one." Artie paused to see Richmond's reaction.

"Go on," he was told.

"You see, I know James West better than anyone and he is absolutely fearless. He never conceives of failure. You only have to see the way he throws himself into fights against overwhelming odds and his coolness in the face of death. Yes, he flirts with women and allows them to lead him into danger. But that's the point. We've managed to breach the defences of many an out-and-out madman, simply because of a woman. You think I'm different but I'm not. Given the chance I would have done exactly the same. In fact it was I who approached Marie first but she turned me down in favour of Jim.

"As for Carma Vasquez, Jim followed her with the intention of falling into her trap, so that he could follow her to John Brown's encampment. She was put off her guard because she thought she had killed him.

"When it came to Princess Wanakee, I was annoyed with Jim for making that promise to Loveless not to try and escape, but there was no other way to spare her life. I admired his sense of honour, frustrating though it was, at the time. But don't forget that, once it was obvious Loveless was going to kill him, Jim felt no need to keep his promise to the Doctor and we did escape.

"I will give Jim his due that, when he is not genuinely attracted to a woman, he won't pretend that he finds her attractive. And he's never actually fallen for any of the bad ones. It may not seem it but he is in control of the situation. I remember something he said. 'Women are like bombs; never let them know you don't trust them.' He may look like he trusts them but he knows when to and when not to. I hope I've persuaded you, Sir, that there is no danger in what you call Jim's 'womanising'."

There came a clapping of hands from behind him and Artie turned to see President Grant standing in the doorway.

"Well said, Artemus. I'm pleased to hear you defend James West so roundly."

"But Mr President..." Richmond began. Now it was his turn to be cut off in mid-sentence.

"Leave them be, Colonel," the President ordered. "Why do you think we dressed James West as a rich dandy and sent him out on that fancy train if it wasn't to impress the ladies?"

"As you say, Mr President," Richmond replied.

The President shook hands with Artie. "I'm told the Wanderer will be ready to leave in a couple of days. When it is, I want you to take it and go meet your partner in New Orleans." He drew Artie aside. "I'd like you to do me a favour and escort the daughter of the Italian Ambassador, Senorita Rosa Montebello. She going there to perform in an opera? I'm sure, with your musical talents, you'll prove the perfect fellow passenger and you'll find the journey all the more enjoyable. I'm expecting you to escort her around while you're there as well."

"Thank you, Mr President. I think I may have worn out my welcome in Washington for the moment," Artie replied, nodding in Colonel Richmond's direction. "I'll be pleased to travel with Senorita Montebello. I'm sure we'll have plenty to talk about."

He couldn't quite decipher the look President Grant gave him. He looked guiltily apologetic. But all he said was, "Good-bye, my boy, give my regards to young West when you see him."

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

"I guess I know what that look was about now," Artie said, referring to the harpy he had been forced to travel with, all the way from Washington to New Orleans.

"I can't believe Richmond had the nerve to question my behaviour with women," Jim stormed.

"I told you that you wouldn't like it. But at least he wasn't questioning your prowess."

That made Jim smile. "I really appreciate the way you stood up for me, Artie. You're the best friend and partner a man could have," he said.

"Well, it was very tempting to accept Colonel Richmond's offer for me to take your place. Particularly when I think of how you refuse to pay for a hotel room for me if you think the character I'm playing couldn't afford one."

"Artie, I never knew you felt that way." Jim smiled cheekily.

"Of course you knew. Why else do you think I prefer to play well-dressed characters?"

"Would you really have taken my place if things had gone against me?"

"Of course not," Artie replied, punching him on the arm. "How could you think such a thing?"

"I'm sorry," Jim said. "You've certainly given me no reason to believe that of you. Forgive me?"

"You know I do," Artie said, and the two men hugged each other, acknowledging that they were as good as brothers, knowing each other so well they never had to question each other's behaviour.

When they separated, Jim said, "I never knew my behaviour was being scrutinised so closely by the Colonel. Thank goodness President Grant was there."

"Oh, I wouldn't have given up. I would have stayed in Washington for ever, if necessary."

"Yes, I heard about your popularity with the ladies while you were there."

"A lot of that was made up because I was actually in England most of the time," Artie said. "But there was one young lady in particular. Ah, the beautiful Freda," he reminisced. Suddenly his face fell.

"What's up, Artie, are you ill?"

"No, I just remembered I was so happy at getting back on the Wanderer that I forgot to cancel my date with Freda. She's never going to talk to me again."

"At Least Colonel Richmond can't accuse you of letting a woman interfere with your focus on your work," Jim said, laughing.

Artie glared at him.

ooooooooooo0ooooooooooo

THE END


End file.
